Rant journal

Q: are you okay? everything is fine right? you do all of your duty right?
A: yes.. yes... yes....

but the fact is, i can't stop lying, so people will not worry about me.

the truth is. i've lost all of my motivation since i was failed in last semester. yeah.. i get the scholarship, i have a part time job, i don't have a problem anymore about my college's fee. but i've just lost my motivation for doing my final task.
my excuses:
1. all of my friends is already graduated from this univ last semester. i;m totally forever alone at here. i never communicated with other people in college. only going to class.. listening the lecturer and go home.
2. i work 5days per week and going to college 2 days per week. every time i get a free day. i just can sleeping all day.
3. my subject for this final task is very difficult. and its too late to change the subject.

but those excuses is just make me looks like a loser. the fact is.. seriously, i just don't have motivation anymore to finishing my study in college. i can't stop wondering why i need to do this. will i die if i'm not finishing my final task?. accounting is not my passion... i just want to drawing.
every time i have a time for finished my final task.. i always have a new idea for drawing. i can't hold my imagination, and yeah.. the procrastinating activity is begin. sometimes i hope i know how to create an artblock condition.

and yeah.. my family is never try to support or cheering me. they just can asking same question everyday. "is your final task is done? when you graduate from college?". and everyday i say the same answer.. "yes.. its almost done. don't worry". when they start to pushing me everyday... i'm not become more enthusiastic in finishing my final task, instead its make me feel more depressed and scared. then i lost more motivation and i stop moving.

now, the situation is... i always try to avoiding my final task's lecturer. i always say  "yes sir, i'll give you the paper when its all completely done". the fact is i never touch my final task since 4 month ago... i always feel so scared to finish it. i always feel so scared to meet my lecturer.
its only 20% done.. and it's only 1.5 month left for the deadline or i need to repeated another semester.

i feel i've lost even i haven't go to the war area.
i can't stop to find any excuses to avoiding my final task.
yes... i'm such a loser. and i start to hate myself right now.

sorry for the bad english